For Those Who Yearn To Feel Athletic…

Some things are so incredibly bad that they can only be accessed through hot, visceral discharges of molten confusion. Things like guns, use of the term “hashtag” in spoken conversation, and loquacious dentists. Things like watching live events through the screen of a camera phone, hard shell tacos, and the musical parasite known as Pitbull. Things immune to reason. Well now – thanks to Russian NBA

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Weird Sports Terms and What My Roommate Thinks They Mean

The confused man pictured above is not my roommate. My roommate is darker-skinned, without a beard, and not currently wearing a suit. Nevertheless, like the confused man pictured above, my roommate was confused by the following obscure sports terms – almost as if he were staring at question marks. But his perplexity didn’t stop him from taking some mostly uncoordinated stabs in the dark.

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NerfGate: What The NFL Hasn’t Told You

Seattle, Wash. – Over the past week or so, much has been made of the Patriots’ alleged crimes of deflation in the AFC Championship game. What hasn’t been talked about is what happened in the other game that was played on that day. We remember the NFC Championship between the Seattle Seahawks and the Green Bay Packers because it was

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Capri Suns and Chewy Bars: Chapter 2

Its wings are so thin and so orange. Much like Doritos. How does it even fly? Doritos can’t fly. But butterflies don’t taste like nacho cheese, either. Hmm… would I rather… be able to fly? or… have a lifetime supply of Doritos? I do like Doritos… I’d take the Doritos. That way I could sucker someone at the lunch table into trading me their Red Bull for

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Capri Suns and Chewy Bars: The Prologue

By Zach Dammel “I wish I could play little league [baseball] now. I’d be way better than before.” – Mitch Hedberg My 6′ 3″, 158 lb. frame does, too. I’m fairly confident I’d excel at most positions against a bunch of ten-year-olds. I’d hit home runs left and right and routinely throw no-hitters (I’m hesitant to say perfect games because I’d be hard-pressed to

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15 for ’15: Sports Resolutions

“You could stand to improve by changing the following things about yourself.” Recommending New Year’s resolutions is always a tricky prospect. In fact, you probably shouldn’t do it. Besides, who are you to meddle in someone else’s goals? You don’t know their life. You don’t know their values and their struggles, their idiosyncrasies and inhibitions. So why in the world would you

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The Most Thankless Job: MLB Edition

By Zach Dammel “I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real… actual… work.” – Peter Gibbons, fictional protagonist of Office Space You know who’s nonfictional and rarely a protagonist, but also works for only about 15 minutes a week? Just about every reliever in Major League Baseball! They come in to work maybe every other

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Marshawn Media

(Courtesy of Beacon Plumbing: Stop Freakin’, Call Beacon) He knew how the rainbow tasted before he even tried Skittles. Pete Carroll wants him to kick field goals; NASA wants to keep the Space Station intact. Conflict of interest. When they freak out, Beacon Plumbing calls him. He is… The Most Interesting Yet Somehow Most Private Man in the NFL. “I don’t always speak to

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Packers and Texans and Browns, Oh My: Best and Worst NFL Team Nicknames

By Zach Dammel Of all the major sports leagues, the NFL has the most boring team names. I’d like to take this opportunity to recognize a few of the worst and disparage them. For the sake of balance, however, I’ll also MacGyver some reasons for why a few of the others are sobriquet gold. Best: Patriots: Of the people, for the people, by the people. The New

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My First Hockey Game

5. Jumble of bodies dives at goal, sticks thrash wildly. 4. No longer able to track puck, appeal to Jumbotron for meaning amidst frenzy. 3. Score catches my eye: 3-2 Canucks up on Sharks. 2. Ears prepare for inevitable game-ending buzzer; expect it, are sure of it. 1. Confusion sets in when I hear this instead… http://wejustscored.com/teams/sjs.html Learned patterns of visual and auditory cues train

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