Why Your Team Won’t Win the National Title

Think your favorite team is going to win the National Title this year? No, they’re not. Here’s why each of the top 25 will lose in the big dance. “But what about Marquette?” I think you can answer that one yourself.

  1. Kansas KU Alum Betsy Randle played Cory Matthew’s mom on Boy Meets World. Fitting that the mother on the most overrated show ever would have gone to the school with the most overrated basketball team ever.
  2. Michigan State Remember the last time a Michigan State team was on a big stage? Let’s hope the basketball team doesn’t either. I think the football team might have started celebrating New Year’s Eve a little too early.
  3. Villanova This one is too easy. Insert piccolo girl

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    (credit: USAtoday)

  4. Virginia The Virginia Cavaliers. Cavaliers….. CAVALIERS!!!!
  5. Xavier The last time the Musketeers were this relevant was back in 2011 when the “Three Musketeers” movie came out. That got a 24% on Rotten Tomatoes.
  6. Oklahoma Before Buddy Hield, the last famous Buddy was Buddy the Elf. He peaked in December. The Sooners look like they also peaked in the winter.
  7. North Carolina They lost to Duke a couple of weeks ago when Duke literally only had 5 players. And one of them was a Plumlee.
  8. Oregon According to 50states.com/facts, Eugene, the home of University of Oregon, was the first city that featured one-way streets. Plus Oregon has outlawed self-service gas stations. That’s annoying!
  9. West Virginia Almost Heaven, West Virginia. Almost Final Four, West Virginia but…. 78-39.Pacers at Wizards 11/05/14
  10. Indiana One of the flattest states in the country also has one of the flattest basketball teams come tournament time.
  11. Miami The last team from the U that had any swag was the Seventh Floor Crew. This Hurricane team has no one that can ball like G-reg or Will Dawg.
  12. Utah  Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney ironically resides in Utah. Mitt’s real name is Willard. Utah is not going to not win the National Title because their proud resident’s name is Willard. They are going to lose because Mitt Romney does not go by Willard. Willard is one of the fliest names ever.
  13. Purdue Look up ‘boiler’ on Urban Dictionary. That is why they won’t win the championship.
  14. Louisville Here’s your champ. Just give them the trophy. When your aunt, or grandmother, or cousin who’s really into surfing calls you and asks who they should pick in their March Madness pool, tell them Louisville.
  15. Arizona Arizona iced tea sells 23 OZ cans for 99 cents? Are you serious? How could anything be better? The fact that something so great and something so bad (the hoops team) could come from the same state is sad.
  16. Kentucky Former Kentucky Quarterback Tim Couch was drafted #1 overall back in 1999. Speaking of couches, that’s where Kentucky will be watching the National Title game.
  17. Texas A&M The SEC plays football. Texas A&M plays football. With that logic, why won’t they win the title? Johnny Manziel.
  18. Maryland Minnesota has one Big 10 win all season. It’s Maryland. Let’s hope for the Terps’ title hopes, the field is them and 67 other teams worse than the Gophers. I don’t think there’s 67 teams worse than Minnesota in all of Division I.
  19. Duke Remember that Duke student that got really famous like 3 years ago for finding a creative way to pay for school? Well she just went on MTV’s show “One Bad Choice” and explained herself. If you pick Duke you should also go on that show.
  20. Iowa I just googled things that are cold and some of the results were fridge, polar bears (is that true? Obviously they live in cold weather, but are they actually cold?), Antarctica, winter, snow, and for you science people, liquid nitrogen. All those things are hotter than the Hawkeyes that haven’t won a game since the Carter Administration.
  21. Iowa State This song. Wait…. Who am I kidding? This is flame. Iowa State all day long.
  22. Baylor You’d be wacko to pick the team from Waco
  23. Texas Everything is bigger in Texas, including tournament flops.
  24. California The football team needed the band to beat Stanford back in 1982. In order for the basketball team to win games in the dance, they’ll need to get some monster picks and interior defense from the tuba player.
  25. SMU If you decide not to tell your RuneScape loving brother to pick Louisville in his March Madness pool, tell him to go with SMU. The Mustangs will add the 2016 title in basketball to their 1987 National Championship in football.
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