October’s Very Own: “Baseball’s boring? The door is over there”

I was four years old when my dad asked my brother and I if we wanted to ride the bus downtown to the Kingdome to watch the Mariners play the Detroit Tigers. My brother opted to go with my mother to Target to buy Batman and Superman socks. While Aidan’s choice was suspect, but respectable for a two year old, I sat with my dad in the middle seats of the bus on our way to my first professional baseball game that I can remember. 17 years later, last Tuesday, my best friend and I found ourselves in Wrigeyville cramming ourselves between Cubs fans of all sexes, creeds, and races under the sun to watch something of a miracle. As Kyle Schwarber brought new definition to the term “yabo,” I watched a simple game ignite a city. With each strike thrown by Pedro Strop you could feel the heart of Chicago beat. As Anthony Rizzo gifted the fans the last lead necessary for the Cub’s first postseason series-clinching win at home I witnessed a city (myself included) fall helplessly further in love with this game.

 

There are two types of people in this world:

People who think postseason baseball is boring        

People who have more than two brain cells to rub together

 

Before you metaphorically open your mouth to share some idiotic response about how everyone is entitled to their own opinion watch this:

Again and again and again

Sam Dyson walked out of the bullpen onto the field into a tied Game 5 of the ALDS with high hopes of extending Texas’ chance of returning to postseason glory. Jose Bautista of the Blue Jays had other plans. The right-fielder demolished Dyson’s attempt at a pitch and did the unthinkable. After his rocket over the left field wall, Bautista absolutely chucked his bat and flipped off everyone from Texas with his 34-inch piece of lumber. To put it bluntly, Jose Bautista did not give a flying f### about Dyson’s dignity, family, career as a pitcher, or Boston Terrier and he let the whole world know. And I LOVED it.

People who say baseball is “too slow for me” are the people who say “literally” every time they mean “figuratively” and take selfie snap chats at dinner mid-conversation. There is a man who plays this sport that figuratively has a 50 caliber rifle for an arm. How do opposing batters have the stones to stand sixty feet six inches a way from a tower of a human hurling a ball 103 MPH at them? “Sure, yeah coach, I’ll pinch hit against Aroldis Chapman. I woke up this morning and felt like pissing my pants and almost dying.” You call this boring?

 

 

If you still are wrong and think baseball is boring, use that new fancy Y2K google machine thing and type in Bryce Harper. Then watch and shut up.

 

 

 

The kids of America are cooler and better human beings because of this sport. Baseball turns children into home run pimpin’, bat-flippin’, captains of savagery like this lord of everything cool.

 

I’m almost twenty-two years old and I have never done anything nor will I do anything as cool as what that four year old did.

The MLB season contains twice the number of games than the next sport in terms of season length. You have to stand by your team for a grueling 6 months (7 if you’re lucky) and then in the month of October it can all end with one single pitch. Your body tenses up with your eyes glued to the TV as you watch the pitcher rock back in his wind-up, realizing this could be it. Either we win or we lose, but either way someone is going home. In Game 6 of the 2011 World Series the Texas Rangers were winning 9-8 in the bottom the 10th inning. The Cardinals had runners on first and second with two outs. Scott Feldman, pitching for the Rangers, had Lance Berkman in a 2-2 count. All Feldman had to do was get one more strike. Throughout the season Feldman through hundreds if not thousands of strikes. If Feldman throws the ball over the plate and Berkman swings and misses or the umpire calls strike three then the Texas Rangers are the 2011 World Series Champions. Lance Berkman smokes a shot tying the game at 9 and in the bottom of the next inning David Freese enshrines himself as a St Louis legend by hitting a walk-off home run and winning Game 6. The Cards went on to win Game 7 and thus the championship.

Boring? Freese was a hometown kid with a mediocre career and did what every single kid pretends to do in their backyard. In a sport where failing 70% of the time is success, Freese became a household name with one swing of the bat.

Doesn’t exactly sound boring.

I urge you to turn on FS1 or TBS and watch miracles happen.

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