Premier League “Best Hair” Starting Eleven
There are only two things that can really make me respect a man: his skill on the soccer field and a great head of hair. So, I’ve decided to compile a starting eleven of Premier League players with the best goddamn flow in England. Keep in mind that talent has absolutely nothing to do with the selections. The only two requirements are that they play for a Premier League team, and have hair that make Zoolander look homeless.
Goalkeeper: David De Gea (Manchester United)
Although De Gea is arguably the best Goalkeeper in the league, his talent pales in comparison to his majestic hair. When he isn’t denying opposition strikers, he’s busy rejecting the line of women that follow him around Manchester. While most people may know that David is Spanish for “David”, they may not know that De Gea literally translates to “of the great hair”. The De Gea clan has had immaculate haircuts since they first populated the Iberian Peninsula hundreds of years ago.
Left-back: Leighton Baines (Everton)
Sometimes with great hair it’s not about the style itself, but rather the confidence of the man wearing the hair. Leighton Baines is a perfect example of this conundrum. The fact that he can walk into a barbershop in Liverpool and say something along the lines of “Give me the Bilbo Baggins” and still be married speaks volumes. This decision was made more out of respect, rather than the quality of his dougie.
Center back: John Terry (Chelsea)
This archetypal English center back is the last of a dying breed, and he looks the part. John Terry possesses all of the characteristics of a classic English defender: big, strong, aggressive, slightly racist, and a clean crew cut. The original “Mr. Steal Yo Girl” has made the most of his simple, yet elegant, hairstyle. Don’t believe me? Just ask his former Chelsea and England teammate, as well as former best friend, Wayne Bridge whether women can resist him. If he doesn’t respond, just ask Bridge’s wife what she thinks of Terry’s haircut..
Center back: Martin Demichelis (Manchester City)
I would have selected the Argentinian defender last year when he looked more like a Game of Thrones character than an elite soccer player. However, even after cutting that beautiful mane Demichelis still makes it into the starting eleven. Versatility is a key element in possessing great hair. Even after taking a sword presumably made of Valyrian steel to his shoulder length hair, the Manchester City center back is still the most suave man in the Seven Kingdoms.
Right back: Hector Bellerin (Arsenal)
Speaking of versatility, if Hector Bellerin’s soccer career doesn’t pan out he could absolutely play Troy Bolton in an all-Spanish remake of High School Musical. Do I hate Arsenal with all of my heart? Yes. Do I also hate when guys dye their hair with streaks of blond? You bet. Somehow these two characteristics work as a double negative and make me respect Arsenal’s backup right back.
Speaking of High School Musical, if they ever do a remake Fellaini would be an automatic selection as Chad Danforth (played by Corbin Bleu in the original trilogy). I don’t know what I admire more about Fellaini: the 1970’s porn star afro, or the ginger undertones in said afro. No other hairstyle defines a player quite like the big Belgian’s. Additionally, no other hairstyle divides opinions amongst supporters quite like his. But, like all great hairstyles, controversy lies at the heart of it.
Center midfield: Joey Barton (Queens Park Rangers)
Some players simply know what it takes to have great hair. Barton has rocked numerous different styles over the year, and each one makes him look like an absolute beast. The nomadic central midfielder has made a career out of crunching tackles and flawless flow. I toyed with the idea of selecting Daley Blind for this slot, but Barton’s abrasive personality paid off for once. When I called Barton for comment on this award he answered “Hang on mate I have to go, your ex-girlfriend is calling me on the other line”. Want to know the most messed up part about that story? She was on the other line.
Center attacking midfield: Christian Eriksen (Tottenham)
Eriksen may only be 23 years old, but he has the hairline of a 53 year old. I selected Eriksen for this spot because he has fought through hair adversity to make the best of a bad situation. Whether he rocks the old-man comb-over or the teenage-angst spikey hair, the Tottenham man simply pulls. While his playing career may have a bright future, he’s working on borrowed time with that haircut. At the rate his hairline is receding, he may end up looking more like a Danish Martin Skrtel.
Right wing: Danny Welbeck (Arsenal)
Consistency is another key fact in a great hair style, and Welbeck has been rockin’ the flat-top fade since he first broke into the Manchester United first team. While at Manchester, his flat-top reached heights that made Gerald from “Hey Arnold!” look soft. Much like most things associated with Arsenal, his haircut got way worse since making the move to North London. However, I remain hopeful that Welbeck will grow out his illustrious hair once more.
I hate Giroud so-so-so-so much. However, you have to respect the amount of care that he treats his hair with. Giroud has done an excellent job for Arsenal, despite the fact that he could easily pass as Macklemore’s French cousin. Soccer fans typically make songs to sing at games about their favorite players. The Arsenal fans sing about Giroud’s hair more often than they sing about his scoring abilities. If soccer doesn’t pan out he could have an excellent career as a French cigarette model.
If you disagree with any of my other selections, so be it. If disagree with Harry Kane’s place on this list: I will punch you in the face. Kane is every manager’s dream with the speed of a gazelle, the courage of a Gryffindor, and the hair of a young Draco Malfoy. The man is an absolute work-horse on the pitch, and yet his hair always remains flawless. In his break-out season for Spurs Kane has already scored 17 goals in all competitions, while averaging 3.4 “slick-backs” per game. While he may have a promising career, his hairstyle may have already reached its peak.
Just kidding. Due to his “man-bun” I have absolutely no respect for the West Ham striker. Easily the dumbest of all emerging hairstyles. By the way “man-bun” is a completely contradictory idea; as one cannot be a man and have his hair in bun. The idea of a “man-bun” is like saying “cold-sun”, “hot-ice”, or “Fox News”.