What Happened to Kris Humphries?
By Jamey Schilling
My grandma and grandpa used to watch a CBS soap opera called The Young and the Restless. It was about the animosity between two rival companies, and the forbidden romances that resulted from the rivalry. I think the reason my grandparents enjoyed the show so much was because of the real life, every day story-lines, and the believable dialogue that… ahh who am I kidding? The show was completely unrealistic. I mean what kind of uncivilized person would nationally televise the life and death of a romantic relationship? It would take a pretty self-absorbed, irrational narcissist to have your whole life publicly televised. It would take a person like Kim Kardashian and her broadcast of her wedding to Kris Humphries! Most people know what happened to Kim, but what happened to her former husband of 72 days? Well, some magazine called Sports Illustrated releases an annual “Where Are They Now?” issue where they reconnect with notable athletes from yesteryear. The College Tailgate has decided to join the craze and release a version of our own called (in order to avoid possible lawsuit and copyright infringement) “Whatever Happened To____?” Join us for this three segment series where we catch up with three formerly relevant athletes!
Much like The Young and The Restless, Kim K’s marriage to Kris Humphries in 2011 can only be described as a soap opera. Most people recall that the two filed for divorce a mere 72 days after marriage. Right off the bat I can think of three things that lasted longer than their marriage: your average can of Axe spray deodorant, a high schooler’s fear of standardized tests, and even my lone romantic relationship from high school! (I’m hoping that’s the last time I compare myself to Kim Kardashian… ever.) You’ve probably heard about Kim and her fairy tale love story with a certain Taylor Swift-bashing artist. She ended up tying the knot with rapper Kanye West, and naming her kid after a direction on a compass. (Naming your kid Northwest makes about as much sense as being married for 72 days…) Not many know what happened to Kris Humphries. That all changes right now!
Year one post divorce, Kris’ final year with the Nets: After all the court decisions were judged, and all of the paper work was filed, the date was April 19th 2013. Kris Humphries finally returned to the singles club again, eager to resume his NBA career, and proceed to forever be considered a joke in the NBA world. The 2012-2013 season found Humphries finished up his year with the Brooklyn Nets. Our lovable divorcee averaged 5.8 points per game, 5.6 rebounds per game, and at least three fans yelling “where’s Kim?” in his general direction per game. The Nets ended up making the playoffs, but ended up losing to the Bulls in the first round. The lone notable event from the first year after the divorce was an incident on Twitter between Kris and a fellow NBA player: JR Smith. Humphries was absolutely shredded in a tweet by current Cleveland Cavalier J.R. Smith. (Pictured Below) The College Tailgate holds a strong belief that he would like ice with that burn.
Year two post divorce, Kris’ lone season with the Celtics: At the conclusion of the 2013 season, the Celtics struck a deal with the Nets, and ended up with Humphries as a door prize. If Humphries had gone to Boston, become an all-star, and taken over the Celtics, you probably would have heard about it. By now I’m guessing you can assume that he had yet another average year, and you’d be correct! Our ex Kardashian lover actually improved from his previous season. He averaged 8.4 points, 5.9 rebounds, and 0.0 divorces per game! The Celtics failed to make the postseason, but who’s to say that’s Humphries fault? Most likely Kim Kardashian. It was again a mostly irrelevant year aside from the fact that Kris made a memorable television appearance. No, he didn’t appear in any commercials or star in any movies, but give him some credit, appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live is still an accomplishment! He appeared on the show’s Mean Tweets, NBA Edition where celebrities read mean spirited tweets aimed at the celebrities themselves. His appearance is pictured below, and the link is included above! Humphries makes an appearance at the 1:12 mark.
Year three post divorce, Kris becomes a Wizard: We now turn our attention to the present day. After three years away from Kim, Kris appears to be doing perfectly fine. Who wouldn’t be content if they were a millionaire NBA player? (Besides current members of the Philadelphia 76’ers.) He was traded to the Wizards this past off season, and must be thrilled to finally be on a good team! (The Wizards currently sit at fourth place in the Eastern Conference.) Humphries is averaging 8.1 points, 6.2 rebounds, and a team high 9 high fives from the bench per game. He even started several games this season instead of Nene! As of the last game though he’s gone back to a supporting role on the bench. He did however score a season high 20 points against the Nuggets on December 5th, and has scored 10+ points in numerous games this season. He even put up a monstrous dunk against his former team! While he may not be an All-Star, Humphries is clearly a contributor to a good Washington Wizards team. Aside from a successful surgery to his finger to repair nerve damage, it’s been a relatively quiet year for Humphries. So far there have been no 72 day marriages, no Kimmel appearances, and no Keeping Up with the Kardashian’s spinoff shows this year! Quite simply, it seems like Kris is over the entire Kim K saga, and right now he’s playing good team basketball in our nation’s capital. Good for you Kris, we here at The College Tailgate are proud of you!
Part of me thinks my Young and the Restless loving grandparents would get a kick out of the modern day soap opera that was the Kim Kardashian-Humphries “marriage.” The more logical part of me thinks they’d be disgusted. So we’ll leave it at that, and assume that like most Americans, they were disgusted that these two were receiving media attention. Regardless, the Kardashian-Humphries “love” story is over, but Kris Humphries’ playing career is not. In fact, you’re now completely caught up with the latest on Kris Humphries! So in the off chance someone asks you “whatever happened to Kris Humphries” you can tell them exactly what he’s been up to! That’ll be beneficial for about two minutes of small talk! Thanks for reading the first installment of “Whatever Happened to_____?” and be sure to read next week’s issue when we cover former Super Bowl hero, David Tyree!