What Your Favorite Team Says About You: MLB Edition, Part 1

By Brendan Larson

I had just gotten my slice of pizza after waiting in a line longer than Adam “Pacman” Jones’ rap sheet when I felt the urge to lay a haymaker on this unsuspecting but deserving target. I was at Safeco Fielder for a Mariners game against the Orioles when I saw this 1990’s high-school bully wearing a New York Yankees snapback and a Roger Clemens jersey. First of all, who the hell wears a Yankees Clemens jersey? After a second, I felt bad because I thought maybe he was blind and deaf and thought the Yankees were playing instead of Baltimore. Then I watched two khaki-wearing alcohol enforcement “officers”  fly out from the rafters of the beer garden and tackle him to the ground. Apparently Brett, Chad, Derek, or whatever his name was had been caught railing a line of cocaine in the family restroom. As a PSA, if you are dumb enough to do hard drugs in a ballpark try not bragging about it to your bros after a traumatized seven year-old asks his mom why you were putting salt in your nose.

Your favorite baseball team can say quite a bit about you. People often say that dog owners resemble their dogs, but this same connection applies to fanatics and their team of choice. Here is a list of what your favorite MLB says about you:

American League East

Baltimore Orioles:

You scream “O” for thirty seconds to begin the national anthem while the rest of the country quietly hums or sings the Star Spangled Banner. You refer to yourself as a “crab snob,” and you buy everything Cal Ripken Jr. advertises on TV.

Boston Red Sox:

You complain about the sports in Boston despite having 31 championships. You spilled your Dunkin Donuts all over the guy’s NorthFace jacket in front of you. You think Good Will Hunting should win “Best Picture” every year and that St. Patrick’s Day is a sporting event.

New York Yankees:

You are any combination of the following:

  1. You are not from this country.
  2. You are a filthy rich broker on Wall Street.
  3. You are the loudest person in the room and nobody really likes you.

Tampa Bay Rays:

You are most likely sound asleep in you seat on the third base line because you are 75.

Toronto Blue Jays:

You are the horniest person in the room but the most polite and upstanding fan in America. You have swarms of fans at away games because the entire country of Canada roots for your team. You drive a Subaru Outback.

American League Central

Chicago White Sox:

You know your team is horrendous, but whenever someone starts making fun of the Sox you yell “2005!” in their face. Most of your sports bragging revolves around the Cubs sucking more than your team.

Cleveland Indians:

The Indians are all you have as you cling on to dear life. You would sign Ricky Vaughn if you could. You are still so bitter about the Browns moving away in ’96 that you spend the first four innings complaining about it.

Detroit Tigers:

Your sexual fantasies include either Kate Upton or Justin Verlander or both. You are extremely proud of the Tigers yet when someone asks you if you are from Detroit you say “No, just outside of it.”

Kansas City Royals:

You experience PTSD every time you look at a Royals roster from the early to mid-2000’s. You most likely died from cardiac arrest this past Tuesday when you actually ended a playoff game with your team in the winner’s circle.

Minnesota Twins:

You sit alone in your Minneapolis home staring at the gray sky out the window praying to Joe Mauer that it will rain so the fire from the Twin’s train wreck will finally be put out.

American League West

Houston Astros:

You’re laying in the same hospital bed you have been in since 2006. In your comatose state you vaguely hear the name Jose Altuve, but it’s just a dream.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim:

You are may not be a very religious person, or actually believe in angels. However, you do believe in Jesus Christ. He wears number 27, plays centerfield, and goes by the name of Mike Trout.

Oakland Athletics:

You love Billy Beane for 99% of the year and then sorely realize that you, yet again, have not “won the last game of the year.” You have created a few master plans to get the Raiders to move so that the O.Co Coliseum can be demolished and a not-so sewage-filled stadium can take its place.

Seattle Mariners:

You think every sports network and anchor has a bias against your team until you realize you haven’t made the playoffs since 2001. You often go to games because you find your local Starbucks mundane and wanted to spice up your life by trying one of the sixteen that are in the ball park. You would trade your first-born for Ken Griffey Jr. to have never left.

Texas Rangers:

You honestly believe that Nolan Ryan only pitched for Texas and that George Bush leaving to be president is why you’ve never gotten a ring. You also think Prince Fielder should suit up for the Cowboys at right guard.

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